Favu's world of shite: Unlucky Gamer ALMOST plays DayZ

PLEASE NOTE! May contain spoilers!!

Okay! Let me point out right now, I finally got DayZ working, it took a LOT of messing about, I can really understand casual gamers, Let me get this straight, i really WANTED to play DayZ, and it took me 4 days to get it even to work, There is nothing wrong with sticking a game in your console, whirring it off, and playing bang! okay maybe an "essential" update, and a 2 hour wait while it "installs" okay, there really is no such thing as casual gaming unless you count playing Bejewelled Blitz on facebook, or whatever game you do play on Facebook, I won't judge you, Bejewelled Blitz is my poison, I love it... and I will make no apologies for it, but, I digress!

WHEN IT'S DARK, IT'S NOT FUN (DayZ Yesterday)

I finally got DayZ to work, to say it has a hard learning curve is an understatement, It's not curved Its a brick wall, it hits you in the face, and shouts "FUCK OFF!!" right in it... till you give in and go away, but as you may or may not know by now - I'm not built like that! oh no! I'm a tenacious little bastard... After playing for nigh on 3 hours and not finding ANYTHING i mean no loot AT ALL, no gun, no weapons of any sort I was getting a bit jaded with this game, I was thinking my hours of installing, re-installing, paying money... just were NOT WORTH the hassle... but when i found a smoke grenade and an extra bandage, I was feeling pretty good about myself, i decided i would trot over to the local petrol station, and see what was in there... I could see a zombie in the shop, but i thought i stayed out of his way, but oh no, from 20 feet away, he saw me, chased me, at his point i hear a "vrooooooom!!" sound, and i get hit by what (I think) was a van... I am dead! from a van! Gutted... The screen faded to grey, I was dead once more...

THE ACTUAL VAN THAT KILLED ME (Yesterday)

After another couple of hours of play, I keep dying, I can't go near a town without getting eaten, I have not found ANY loot at all, and I am wondering what I am doing wrong, I hate spoilers, but i decide to go on you tube, and see if i can get any hints, and i found some!!
First off, the 3d setting in your options, I didn't read the manual, this means THIRD PERSON! nothing to do if you have a 3d monitor, whatever res this is set to, when you switch from FIRST to THIRD person view, the res changes too, that would explain why when I am playing, most of the time the game looks like shit! FIXED! next... When I am watching a video i lose my wireless AGAIN, the SSID vanishes, and the video stops, this has been happening a while and a cause of a few horrible deaths, and probably the reason my Steam download failed!
I finally work out what I was doing wrong, never stand up! Where did it tell me that, in the manual? there isn't one! Stand up, the zombies can see you, 2 days, I had no idea, and now with the new super no weapons and loot patch, they can see you from ANYWHERE! unless you're on the floor, then they can only see you from 30 feet away, unless its pitch black night time, and you can't see them, and then its 20 feet away...
I finally work out what I am doing wrong, and I get my internet actually working (for the moment) DayZ is working, lets fire it up and play!! Loading... black screen... loading.... nothing is happening! What?? Oh people are talking, but nothing, I check the forums, but they are a mess, no servers work! I follow the games devs on twitter and FINALLY find out the reason the game isn't working is because some Russians were banned from the game, and decided to DDOS the main server and make it so NO-ONE could play, they were no happy bunnies! this went on (all told) for about 2 days, I hardly got a game, when i did they were laggy and unplayable, yet i was coming back for more!!
It's like crack this game, I warn you, the tension for one thing, the music builds it, the fact that when you find a weapon, the game usually gives you about the time it takes to whoop!! with glee before it kills you AGAIN! I can feel the muscles in my shoulders ache from the tension of playing this game, you really feel invested in your character, even though (lets face it) he pretty much looks like everyone else in DayZ except he might have different glasses on..
Weird thing that struck me as well during the server "downtime" in the lobby of the game voice and text chatting with all the other people, they are lovely, and funny, full of really good advice, you know we're all in the same boat, but in the game they are a shower of cunts who'll kill you as soon as look at you for a tin of beans or that pistol it took you three days to find, my advice, if you see another player somewhere and you didn't arrange to meet them HIDE or kill them (if you have the means) if they have the means to kill you, you're dead!

YOU ARE DEAD! (Yesterday)

Get used to seeing this screen too, you'll see it a LOT when you start, You'll see it a lot anyway, the way the Zombies are in DayZ they are hard to lose, they do a SHITLOAD of damage and finding someone who'll give blood? if you can get the hospital without getting sniped? good luck! I crawled 2 hours on my belly to get to the hospital, injected myself with morphine, stood up, said "whooop!!" and go shot in the head...

Now I may as well go into the debacle of the last few days of my internet being up and down like your mums pants, I finally found it was my PC, having fitted another Wireless card, It had the SAME problem - so i took it back, finally my 1s and 0s are travelling down the houses powerlines, and they are doing a grand job, and after a blue screen and finally reinstalling my network drivers to get Dayz and Steam and everything else to work, I am finally online and playing, only its dark on all the UK servers, and I can't play in the dark, I have tried! trust me, and I can't - it's too hard, Tried playing on a US server but my ping is too high, so i climbed a building in Electro and logged out... I shall return

To sum up, don't play games in Alpha, especially when your computer is playing up, and if you must play a game, avoid this one, as a plea from your loved ones, it will destroy your life, you will dream of zombies, and you'll be itching to play it, you won't think of anything else - there's never been another game like it, I love it, but i hate it, I hate how it makes me feel, I hate how unfair it is, I hate how difficult it is, but I love it, I can't stop playing it! one day I hope to meet someone who will share beans with me, and not kill me for them, till then... I'm just another dead body!